(For guys only) Completely inappropriate, part 2

I don’t apologize for what I write. If I think it’s funny, I post it. If someone finds it offensive, whatever. To each his own. With that in mind, while chatting with a friend today about fishing and how I think it’s boring, stupid and dead fish smells bad, he wrote this:

If it smells like salmon, keep on rammin’; if it smells like trout, pull it out

I thought it was funny. Completely and totally inappropriate, but funny.

Something a cook never wants to hear

Most people rave about my food, and I think I’m a pretty good cook. Up until last night anyway.

I was making a dinner of chicken with an oriental sauce, and had my mom over for the meal. 

She walked into the kitchen and exclaimed, “My God, what is that awful smell?”

Thanks, Mom. My ego is very much in check now.

The difference between cats and dogs

I’ve never heard of anyone being mauled to death by a house-cat.

The order of importance

Let’s see if I have this right.

The order of importance for men in the Deep South (and Central Oregon) is:

Men, dogs, God, pickup trucks, country music, insects, women, cats.

Sounds about right.

Agoraphobia and its cure

This is a serious post. No humor in this one. If you or someone you know suffers from agoraphobia  read this post.

The dictionary definition of agoraphobia is “extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public places.” That’s mostly true, but it’s not complete.

Agoraphobia can also be an extreme or irrational fear of being around anyone, and that includes family and close friends. It can mean someone never leaves his home, even if he lives in the middle of nowhere. Being outside can be terrifying; going to the mailbox at 2 a.m. can be impossible despite the absence of others, due to irrational fear.

I was a home-bound agoraphobic for almost four years, so I know what I’m talking about. In all, I lost 11 years of my life to agoraphobia.

And then I cured myself. How, you ask?

Two things:

1. Low-dose naltrexone (3 mg), also known as LDN. Naltrexone in higher quantities (around 50 mg) is used to treat heroin addicts. Naltrexone blocks the receptor in the brain that processes the euphoria from opiates. In far lower doses, LDN also seems to block the receptor in the brain that causes extreme panic. (It’s also showing progress in curing some autoimmune diseases, such as multiple sclerosis.) I took LDN for four days (just 4 days), and after the fourth day I realized my agoraphobia was gone. One day it was there and I was in fear; the next day I had awakened after a decade+ nightmare. It’s something I have to take everyday or I will experience some panic again, but for $1 a day it’s worth it.
2. Sheer willpower. I’ve had more bad shit happen to me than happens to most people in 10 lifetimes, but overcoming agoraphobia was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Imagine your worst fears and facing them 24/7 for months on end. Even with LDN, I realize I must go outside and force myself to be around crowds every single day. That’s a primary key to recovery.

Recovery isn’t taking 1 pill and calling it a wrap. It’s taking a pill every day, and forcing oneself to get outside every day. Less than a week ago I hosted a quiet party with 7 other people in a small apartment. I don’t think I’ve ever done that, even when I wasn’t agoraphobic. It’s proof positive the two steps above work.

If you know someone who suffers from agoraphobia and they or you would like to understand how I overcame it (there’s more to the story than I can write here), feel free to contact me. Agoraphobia is curable. JAAnderson2112 at Gmail dot com.

A question for Dr. Phil

From one overweight blowhard to another, if your weight loss books are so beneficial to your readers, why did you have to write three of them?

It’s only rain

While the calendar may show it’s summer, where I live it’s still spring, or at least that’s what the weather is acting like. June has been cool and wet, and today, with our high of just 65 degrees, the heavens opened up and it poured.

There was an interlude, so I took the opportunity to go to Costco. As I exited the store, crowds had gathered under the eaves, with a combination look of horror and terror on their faces.

It was then I realized that while inside Costco, an asteroid or comet must have hit off the coast, and a 1,000-foot tidal wave was bearing down upon us. Seriously, these people’s faces looked like they were watching their homes float away with their screaming children trapped inside.

But it was just the rain, cascading down in almost impenetrable sheets. Life-giving rain; without it, Earth would probably look like Mars: barren, dry, devoid of life. I know that most days I stand in my shower and experience the same effect of rain showers, usually followed by soap in my right eye. (Always the right eye!)

Wearing just a baseball cap, shorts, a t-shirt and Teva sandals, I calmly walked toward my car in the Costco parking lot, put my groceries into it, and sure, I got drenched in the process. But who gives a damn? 

 I’ll be dry in a few minutes and home a hell of a lot faster than standing under an eave, wondering when I can get on with my day. It’s only rain.

A completely inappropriate subject

If there’s one inviolable truth about what each of us does but won’t discuss it’s the subject of masturbation.

My blog is about irreverent and deliberately inappropriate humor, but I actually think this subject has some merit, in that it’s something we can all relate to, even if we deny the practice ourselves.

It’s the people who deny they masturbate that are the real chronic masturbators among us.

Does the Pope masturbate? Well, he is Catholic, and surrounded by men and alter boys, so I’m going to opine that’s a yes.

As an author, and one who writes relationship humor, I have the not-so-enviable task of compiling lists of euphemisms. Most are really stupid, but among my favorites are condom euphemisms, Star Wars euphemisms for sex, and, of course, masturbation euphemisms.

A list I found had 87 classics, and in 2011 I wrote a chapter for a book about then-candidate for US Senate Christine O’Donnell that used many of the masturbation euphemisms (the chapter contains 58 references). Do not read this if you are easily offended — the endnotes have been omitted, and this is officially copyrighted, but sharing is permitted with credit given to the author.

Without further ado, this is that chapter.

Christine O’Donnell’s Surprising Primary Victory Speech

In 2010, Congressman Mike Castle from the state of Delaware ran as the Republican candidate to fill the seat of Former Senator Joe Biden, now Vice President of the United States. Enter Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell.

With the backing of out-of-state money (primarily from the billionaire Koch Brothers, founders of the Tea Party movement), O’Donnell flooded the airwaves insinuating that Mike Castle was gay, despite the fact that Representative Castle has been married to his wife since 1992. O’Donnell kept repeating that Castle wear his “man pants” and “man up.” Castle took the high road in response, but the negative attacks took their toll, and O’Donnell, with her state-wide 34% approval rating, somehow defeated Representative Castle in the Republican primary on September 14, 2010, and became the Republican senatorial challenger to Democrat Chris Coons.

After the primary, Fairleigh Dickenson University’s PublicMind twice polled Delaware voters, running a hypothetical match-up between Mike Castle and Chris Coons: Republican Castle beat Democrat Coons by a twenty-one-point margin (54%-33%).

O’Donnell was endorsed by the likes of the fanatical Family Research Council, the National Rifle Association, United States Senator Jim DeMint, Sarah Palin, and conservative commentators Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Mark Levin. On November 2, 2010, Democrat Chris Coons trounced Christine O’Donnell by 17 points in the general election. The Republicans lost a sure-fire Senate seat because of the Tea Party.

Christine O’Donnell’s claim to fame, besides acknowledging to comedian Bill Maher in 1999 that she once dabbled in witchcraft, was her stance on masturbation. More to the point, she equated masturbation with adultery and called it “sinful.”

I was able to procure O’Donnell’s September 14, 2010 primary victory speech transcript that she disclosed to her closest friends and supporters. Considering her anti-masturbation mission in life and her belief in the sinfulness of such activity, I found this speech to be, well, more than a little stimulating:

_____________________

“Thank you, thank you all. This is a wonderful night. I’m sorry I didn’t show up until now, but I’ve been playing the banjo in back. Oh, did you see the finger-painting in the lobby when you came in? That took some effort.

“I’ll take one question right now. What’s that? My favorite movie? It’s Driving Ms. Daisy. Either that or Rubbin Hood, I mean Robin Hood.

“Before I begin, I wish to thank my campaign manager, Hannie Palmer. Double clicking the mouse each and every day for me, along with two finger typing, I don’t know how this campaign would have managed without her. Unfortunately, she’s at home right now, nursing a hatchet wound.

“For those of you who don’t know, I started my career in theater, auditioning the finger puppets. That wasn’t going anywhere, so one day I was sitting in my car, getting a lube job. I had just finished cleaning my fur coat, when it struck me to run for office, and of course it was going to be for the Grand Old Party. Everyone knows the Republican Party is hitchhiking to heaven, and I wanted to be part of that!

“This primary shows that Washington’s not taking care of my business, and we are no longer diddling. I have to tell you, after watching those numbers come in it nearly ruined my eyesight. Winning this primary is such power – I feel like Moses parting the Red Sea. It’s been a real discovery coming into your own. Voters sure were banging the box for me. But we’re diggin’ in for the long stretch. I’m fingering something out, I mean figuring something out, how to beat Chris Coons in November. This victory was earned, but now we’re entering the forest. This isn’t like tiptoeing through the twolips.

“Had we lost, we might have gotten trigger happy. You know, resorting to hand to gland combat. But we are revving the engine! We wrestled that one-eyed monster Mike Castle to the ground. This time tomorrow, he’ll be off painting the ceiling or going fishing with the man in the boat. But we can’t rest! No, we can’t polish the pearl just yet.

“Some of my younger supporters might be thinking about shuffling your iPod, or maybe some of my more mature supporters will be spinnin’ a record tonight. But this isn’t the 1990s – we’re not slicking Willie these days and the two-finger tango will have to wait.

“Having said that, this might surprise some of you, but there’s no sense beating around the bush. I’m exhausted and I need some time off. Next week I’m going deep sea diving and then will be swimming in the Poon-Tang River. And after that I’ll be doing some indoor fishing or going mining. Shining the diamond is a real possibility there. I might go spelunking in the mystery cave, or possibly visiting Niagara Falls to unwind for a day. But the most relaxing time I have ever known is a night in with the girls.

“Oh, I understand we’re having some issues with the central computer. We’re going to try a manual override, but in the meantime we’re checking the status of the In/Out port. And I’ve just been told that security is searching for Ms. ‘G’ so whoever that is, please see them.

“This night’s just getting started, and we have refreshments and a buffet in back for all those who are hungry now. We’re having ladyfingers and cream, among other things. Juicing Lucy has been busy all day. I know she’s been hand tossing the tuna salad, peeling the peach, soaking the whisker biscuit, steaming the oyster, seasoning your fish, and shucking the fresh water clam. She’s been stirring the honey pot, that’s for sure. We ran out of gloves, so don’t catch her touching your tuna. Unfortunately, we only have clambake for one, so hurry back there!

“Enough of the applause – you’re making my girl happy!”

This really happened

I was talking to a friend last Saturday about the subject of cooking. I tend to make main dishes, whereas he prefers desserts. Because I didn’t know, I asked him what ingredients went into a baked Alaska. As he was describing them and how it’s made, I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t smoking pot in Anchorage be the same thing?”

Just the plain truth

For people in the South, being gay is a choice but obesity is genetic.